Mother Nature gave us an early Christmas gift the weekend before Christmas. Snow. And lots of it! As the week progressed, the "chance of snow" that they called for Sunday and Monday turned into "winter storm warning" by Wednesday and Thursday. We were prepared. We were snowed in for 4 days, but we were prepared!
On Friday morning I gave the dogs a bath, did the dishes, put a load of laundry in, and folded what was in the dryer ... all by 7 a.m. I was on the ball. I knew the snow was coming and that I would be preparing for it later in the day, so I wanted to knock out as many chores as I could early on. After I made Megan's breakfast and took her to school, I came back home and carried wood from the wood pile and stacked it under the porch, replenishing our nearly depleted stack. It seemed as though the air was getting colder, and the sky grayer, with each trip I made to the wood pile. I carried and stacked until I could no longer feel my butt and thighs. I covered the stacked wood with a tarp, went inside, did my hair and put on makeup so I could go to the store. What kind of guy wouldn't love a woman who isn't afraid to do "boy chores", but is a girly-girl sometimes, too? And did I mention that I love college football and I can cook? Oh yeah, he'll miss me someday! Anyhow ... I thought I would run errands early in the day, before the stores got packed with snow-panicked shoppers, then have time to clean before I picked up Megan. Wrong. I received a call from Page County's automated message system saying that schools were dismissing at 1:30.
I thought that, due to the early dismissal, Wal-Mart would be crowded after 1:30. I thought I was pretty smart getting there before school let out. As it turns out, 3/4 of the county's population thought the same thing as me. When nearly 2 feet of snow is forecasted in a rural area, everybody stocks up. Add the fact that it was the weekend before Christmas and some people hadn't yet finished their Christmas. Add, also, that Wal-Mart is the only place to shop around here, unless you want to drive 1/2 hour or more, and you get a kind of ridiculousness that boggles the mind. Over an hour. It took me over an hour to get through the store, get what I need, and get to a checkout line. I counted & re-counted the items in my cart. 19. Hot dog! I could go through the 20-item express lane. I think that, if I had more than 20, I would've ditched an item just so I could use the express checkout. That's how ready I was to get the hell outta Wal-Mart!
It started snowing late Friday afternoon and didn't stop until around 8 p.m. Saturday. We ended up with 21 inches of snow and snow drifts even deeper than that. Megan had snow much fun playing in it! (I just had to throw in a corny snow pun!) It was more snow than she had ever seen all at once and she was so excited! She would play for a half hour or so, come in, drink cocoa, thaw out for a few hours, then she would be ready to go out again. It was just us girls all weekend (Sonny was in MD pushing snow for his company) and we had the tv all to ourselves. So, between snow playing sessions, we cuddled up on the couch together and watched those cute, sappy Christmas movies on ABC Family and Hallmark Channel. I just love those! I watch them every year and now I have Megan hooked on them, too. On Sunday, we put on Christmas music and decorated the house. I had gotten as far as pulling the Christmas stuff out of the attic, but didn't have the oomph to do anything with it. This year has been such a terrible one. So much death and loss and hurt. So much unresolved pain. I had been in no mood to decorate. But, I guess watching all those Christmas movies must have stirred something inside me, so I just decided to roll up my sleeves and get it done ... well, somewhat done ... but it was definitely more festive around there than before. As an added bonus, I no longer had to walk past a big pile of Christmas decorations and feel guilty for doing nothing with them!
All in all, we weathered the storm well. I am proud of myself for being a pretty self-sufficient woman. One of these days perhaps I will find someone who recognizes and appreciates that ... as well as all of my other good qualities.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Life's Little Mysteries
I said weeks ago that the cold would soon creep over the mountains and settle into the valley. Well, it has. The day after Thanksgiving, we got a few flurries. Just enough to give the kids something to be excited about, but not enough to keep from dashing their little hopes. Last Saturday, their little hopes were satisfied ... and then some! We started December with our first snowfall of the season. It started very early in the morning and, by the time Megan woke up, everything was covered with snow. I heard her get out of bed, then heard little footsteps make their way to the window, then came a scream of excitement that filled the house. "It's snowing!!!" It brought back memories of when I was a kid. As soon as I would hear the weatherman forecast snow, the excitement and anticipation would begin to bubble up. I would wake up the next morning, anxious to look out the window and see our back yard covered in white. I can imagine that must be how she feels, too, and I laughed as I heard her run down the stairs at high speed.
Sonny went to work that morning. Working on Saturday has become a rather normal part of his routine in recent months, much to Megan's chagrin. She barely sees her daddy during the week, so she looks forward to the weekends with him. If he knew how disappointed she is when she wakes up on Saturday morning only to find he isn't there, he may not do it so much. This Saturday was different, though. This Saturday there was wonderful, beautiful, glorious snow just waiting to be made into snowballs and thrown at the the house, the garage, the dog ... any moving or non-moving object is a suitable target. To a kid, a big yard covered in freshly fallen snow is just a blank canvas for footprints and snow angels.
By the time Sonny got home early in the afternoon, she had already been out to play twice. Her boots were still drying by the wood stove when he said he wanted to go to Valley Star Farm and get a Christmas tree. He was in an unusually good mood. I told him I would get Meg ready. He suggested that we all go. All. The 3 of us. Just like we do every year. Part of me wanted to just get her into her snowsuit and send the both of them on their way. But the other part, (the part that won out in the end), said, "What the hell. Might as well cling to tradition for one last year."
The Christmas tree farm was beautiful. Once I got there, I was glad that he decided to get the tree that day and that he suggested I come along, too. The mountains and countryside, as always, were beautiful and breathtaking blanketed in fresh snow. We walked through small groves of Douglas Fir, White Pine, Norway Spruce and other varieties of evergreens ranging in size from Charlie Brown to That'll Never Fit In The Space We Have. Megan had so much fun sneaking up on us and ambushing us with snowballs, laughing and having fun. After nearly an hour, we narrowed it down to a few trees and Megan picked the one she liked best.
The scenery was beautiful, snow was falling, Megan was having fun. As we were walking through the Christmas tree farm, the snow flurrying around our faces, I thought how perfect the afternoon was. In a way, I wanted him to realize that, too, and stop right there amongst the pines and sincerely say he's sorry, tell me how much he loves me, tell me he wants to be with me. I felt the same feeling Thanksgiving Day at the lake. I know that will never happen, but I can't help that a small part of me wishes it would. I think the desire to be wanted is in all of us. It's human nature.
All week, I have been thinking about how we got along so well Thanksgiving Day during our walk around the lake and again at the Christmas tree farm, but other days ... um ... not so much. I couldn't help but wonder why that is. Why things are such a roller coaster ride for us. If things can be that good then, why not always? It's one of life's little mysteries. It ranks right up there with sasquatch, what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, and why men never stop to ask for directions. One of those things I'll probably be scratching my head about for a long time.
Sonny went to work that morning. Working on Saturday has become a rather normal part of his routine in recent months, much to Megan's chagrin. She barely sees her daddy during the week, so she looks forward to the weekends with him. If he knew how disappointed she is when she wakes up on Saturday morning only to find he isn't there, he may not do it so much. This Saturday was different, though. This Saturday there was wonderful, beautiful, glorious snow just waiting to be made into snowballs and thrown at the the house, the garage, the dog ... any moving or non-moving object is a suitable target. To a kid, a big yard covered in freshly fallen snow is just a blank canvas for footprints and snow angels.
By the time Sonny got home early in the afternoon, she had already been out to play twice. Her boots were still drying by the wood stove when he said he wanted to go to Valley Star Farm and get a Christmas tree. He was in an unusually good mood. I told him I would get Meg ready. He suggested that we all go. All. The 3 of us. Just like we do every year. Part of me wanted to just get her into her snowsuit and send the both of them on their way. But the other part, (the part that won out in the end), said, "What the hell. Might as well cling to tradition for one last year."
The Christmas tree farm was beautiful. Once I got there, I was glad that he decided to get the tree that day and that he suggested I come along, too. The mountains and countryside, as always, were beautiful and breathtaking blanketed in fresh snow. We walked through small groves of Douglas Fir, White Pine, Norway Spruce and other varieties of evergreens ranging in size from Charlie Brown to That'll Never Fit In The Space We Have. Megan had so much fun sneaking up on us and ambushing us with snowballs, laughing and having fun. After nearly an hour, we narrowed it down to a few trees and Megan picked the one she liked best.
The scenery was beautiful, snow was falling, Megan was having fun. As we were walking through the Christmas tree farm, the snow flurrying around our faces, I thought how perfect the afternoon was. In a way, I wanted him to realize that, too, and stop right there amongst the pines and sincerely say he's sorry, tell me how much he loves me, tell me he wants to be with me. I felt the same feeling Thanksgiving Day at the lake. I know that will never happen, but I can't help that a small part of me wishes it would. I think the desire to be wanted is in all of us. It's human nature.
All week, I have been thinking about how we got along so well Thanksgiving Day during our walk around the lake and again at the Christmas tree farm, but other days ... um ... not so much. I couldn't help but wonder why that is. Why things are such a roller coaster ride for us. If things can be that good then, why not always? It's one of life's little mysteries. It ranks right up there with sasquatch, what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, and why men never stop to ask for directions. One of those things I'll probably be scratching my head about for a long time.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thanksforgiving
Thanksgiving, thank goodness, was a calm and peaceful one. Lately, peace and calm are cherished commodities at our house, so I added that to my list of things to be thankful for. Any day that is uneventful and without argument is a good one and I cherished it!
Asking For Miracles
Megan slept in Thanksgiving morning, but was still able to give us a wake up call. While making out her Christmas list, she said, "Mama, how do you spell again." "A-G-A-I-N," I replied, wondering why she would put the word 'again' on her Christmas list. I thought that she probably asked Santa to bring her lots of Littlest Pet Shop animals again, just like last year, and continued on with my housework. When I passed through the living room again, she was on Sonny's lap showing him the list. He got tears in his eyes and abruptly got up and went outside. Later, I saw the list on the dining room table. I picked it up and read it. There, amongst Littlest Pet Shops, Fur Real Friends, and a new bike, was something that brought tears to my eyes, as well. In her neatest first-grade handwriting, she wrote, "For my dad to love my mom again."
Brave Explorers
The Sunday before Thanksgiving, Megan and I went to Lake Arrowhead and picked up pine cones. She played on the playground for a while afterwards. As we were getting ready to leave, we made an impromptu decision to go for a walk on the trails. She was excited by the idea, so off we went. Megan, my girl of limitless imagination, picked up a stick and decided that we were explorers who had just arrived in a new land. All week, she had been learning about the Pilgrims and, obviously, she had absorbed it like a sponge! So, we continued on, two explorers on a trail, looking to make new discoveries. We stopped at the stump of a huge tree that had fallen. I pointed out the big roots that were now exposed. I explained to her that those were the roots that were once in the ground. There was a little pine tree growing out of the upturned stump. We marveled at the massive size of the hole where the tree once stood, and pondered the circle of life when we talked about how the old tree had died, but was giving life to a new one. It was one of those teaching, bonding moments that warms the heart of a mother and I soaked that up like a sponge! Soon, we left the main trail and started on the trail that winds along the opposite side of the lake. At the start of this trail, there is a sign warning hikers that parts of the trail are steep and rocky. When you're six, that just adds an element of danger and intrigue. When you're 40, it means you better think up an excuse to turn around! It was starting to get late in the day, and I told her that the sun would be down before we got all the way around the lake. She was disappointed, but I promised her that we would come back while she was off school for Thanksgiving break.
In the following days, we decided that we would go back on Thanksgiving while the turkey was in the oven and follow the trail all the way around the lake. Megan was so excited, anticipating the hike. Her enthusiasm was contagious and I was starting to look forward to it, too. The forecast didn't look very promising at the beginning of the week and we were keeping our fingers crossed that it didn't rain. Luckily, the rain held off and we were able to (as Megan put it) go on another adventure. I put the turkey in the oven, we got dressed, and we were both very surprised when Sonny said he wanted to come with us. Sonny, who usually tries to come up with any excuse not to do things with us, wanted to go for a hike around Lake Arrowhead! I was pleasantly surprised that he would commit to an activity that would take at least an hour or two and left him without an escape plan. I give him a lot of credit for that! At that moment, I may have even forgiven him a little bit .... but just a little. We even brought Katie and Cocoa, our dogs, and the 4 of us had a great time. (Of course, Sonny and I kept conversation to a bare minimum, which probably helped immensely.) Megan even stopped at the toppled tree, showed him the roots, and showed him the little pine tree growing out of the stump. She remembered our little teaching moment and was excited to pass the information along to her daddy. She is such a smart kid with a desire to learn about so many things and to share what she learns! At the steep/rocky sign, she stopped and read it to us all, warned us that it would be very dangerous. But she assured us that everything would be ok if we followed her. Our brave little leader. We can learn a lot from her. Maybe we should follow her more often.
Asking For Miracles
Megan slept in Thanksgiving morning, but was still able to give us a wake up call. While making out her Christmas list, she said, "Mama, how do you spell again." "A-G-A-I-N," I replied, wondering why she would put the word 'again' on her Christmas list. I thought that she probably asked Santa to bring her lots of Littlest Pet Shop animals again, just like last year, and continued on with my housework. When I passed through the living room again, she was on Sonny's lap showing him the list. He got tears in his eyes and abruptly got up and went outside. Later, I saw the list on the dining room table. I picked it up and read it. There, amongst Littlest Pet Shops, Fur Real Friends, and a new bike, was something that brought tears to my eyes, as well. In her neatest first-grade handwriting, she wrote, "For my dad to love my mom again."
Brave Explorers
The Sunday before Thanksgiving, Megan and I went to Lake Arrowhead and picked up pine cones. She played on the playground for a while afterwards. As we were getting ready to leave, we made an impromptu decision to go for a walk on the trails. She was excited by the idea, so off we went. Megan, my girl of limitless imagination, picked up a stick and decided that we were explorers who had just arrived in a new land. All week, she had been learning about the Pilgrims and, obviously, she had absorbed it like a sponge! So, we continued on, two explorers on a trail, looking to make new discoveries. We stopped at the stump of a huge tree that had fallen. I pointed out the big roots that were now exposed. I explained to her that those were the roots that were once in the ground. There was a little pine tree growing out of the upturned stump. We marveled at the massive size of the hole where the tree once stood, and pondered the circle of life when we talked about how the old tree had died, but was giving life to a new one. It was one of those teaching, bonding moments that warms the heart of a mother and I soaked that up like a sponge! Soon, we left the main trail and started on the trail that winds along the opposite side of the lake. At the start of this trail, there is a sign warning hikers that parts of the trail are steep and rocky. When you're six, that just adds an element of danger and intrigue. When you're 40, it means you better think up an excuse to turn around! It was starting to get late in the day, and I told her that the sun would be down before we got all the way around the lake. She was disappointed, but I promised her that we would come back while she was off school for Thanksgiving break.
In the following days, we decided that we would go back on Thanksgiving while the turkey was in the oven and follow the trail all the way around the lake. Megan was so excited, anticipating the hike. Her enthusiasm was contagious and I was starting to look forward to it, too. The forecast didn't look very promising at the beginning of the week and we were keeping our fingers crossed that it didn't rain. Luckily, the rain held off and we were able to (as Megan put it) go on another adventure. I put the turkey in the oven, we got dressed, and we were both very surprised when Sonny said he wanted to come with us. Sonny, who usually tries to come up with any excuse not to do things with us, wanted to go for a hike around Lake Arrowhead! I was pleasantly surprised that he would commit to an activity that would take at least an hour or two and left him without an escape plan. I give him a lot of credit for that! At that moment, I may have even forgiven him a little bit .... but just a little. We even brought Katie and Cocoa, our dogs, and the 4 of us had a great time. (Of course, Sonny and I kept conversation to a bare minimum, which probably helped immensely.) Megan even stopped at the toppled tree, showed him the roots, and showed him the little pine tree growing out of the stump. She remembered our little teaching moment and was excited to pass the information along to her daddy. She is such a smart kid with a desire to learn about so many things and to share what she learns! At the steep/rocky sign, she stopped and read it to us all, warned us that it would be very dangerous. But she assured us that everything would be ok if we followed her. Our brave little leader. We can learn a lot from her. Maybe we should follow her more often.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
TGIT
Thank God It's Thursday! Since I only work 4 days a week, Thursday is my Friday. I am looking forward to the weekend. Today's rain is supposed to give way to nicer days tomorrow and Saturday. Our town has a beautiful paved walking path that winds alongside the Hawksbill Creek called the Greenway. It is one of our communities nicest assets. Megan and I will probably take advantage of the nicer weather by going there Friday or Saturday (or both). Walking along the path, listening to the creek babbling in some places, rushing over rocks in others, saying hello to other folks passing by, hearing the songs of birds, and seeing fish jump out of the water is a peaceful experience, and makes exercise seem practically effortless. Such a great way to enjoy the limited warm weather we have left this year. We live in the Shenandoah Valley region of Virginia, so we have 4 seasons. It is mid-November now. The crisp, cool, sunny days of autumn will soon step aside, allowing winter to take its place. It won't be long before cold creeps over the mountains and settles down into the valley for a few months. When it gets way down in the fall, we have to take advantage of every nice day that comes along. So, when the weatherman says it will be sunny and 61, we try to squeeze every drop out of it that we can!
Since Megan finally learned to ride without training wheels this summer, she and her bike can't be separated. So, we love to load her bike in the back of the SUV, grab some stale bread or crackers to feed the ducks, and head to the Greenway. I can remember when she was wobbly, even with training wheels. Now, she is steady and confident, peddling as fast as her little legs will go, burning up the path! Time flies as fast as Megan and her little bike.
Since Megan finally learned to ride without training wheels this summer, she and her bike can't be separated. So, we love to load her bike in the back of the SUV, grab some stale bread or crackers to feed the ducks, and head to the Greenway. I can remember when she was wobbly, even with training wheels. Now, she is steady and confident, peddling as fast as her little legs will go, burning up the path! Time flies as fast as Megan and her little bike.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Hey Stranger!
Carrying The Weight
I have always been aware at what a relationship becomes when only one person puts forth any real effort to make it work. The majority of our marriage has been just that ... me putting forth most of the effort, and him usually just getting by. Whenever a problem arose, I made the effort to fix it. I am The Fixer. The Mender. The Smoother-Over. I stepped up and fixed it and we moved on. I realize now how stupid that was. (Lately, I seem to be realizing how stupid a lot of things were ... see Hindsight is 20/20 post.) Maybe I was always "the fixer" because I was afraid he wouldn't do it. In that case, I should have pulled my head out of the sand (or pulled it out of wherever it was at the time) and let that be a huge clue. Maybe I was the fixer because I was aware of how completely emotionally inept he is and felt that he couldn't do it. I think both points have been proven true over the past several months.
Opening My Eyes
What surprises me, though, is how quickly the relationship deteriorates when nobody makes an effort. You so often hear couples say how they were just getting by, going through the daily routine but not really making an effort, for great lengths of time before they got a divorce. That hasn't proven true in my case. As I said, when this came to light, I was willing to forgive his affair, giving that he no longer saw her or communicated with her in any way and that he made an effort to repair the damage. In June, I proved that I was willing to put it all behind us by putting forth effort to smooth things over, doing little things daily to hold out an olive branch. I waited. And waited. "He may need more time to get over it, " a relative told me. "Just give him time." So I gave him time. I waited some more. All summer long, I waited for him to make some sort of effort. Any sort of ass-kissing gesture would have been nice. But nothing. I got nothing. Not a serious conversation about why he did it, 'fessing up to all the lies, saying how sorry he was. No effort to get closer, spend more time together, repair and renew the relationship he damaged. Not even a cheap piece of jewelry. After June and then half of July came and went, I began to grow weary of making even a minimal effort to fix what he had broken. You would think that he would have noticed the fact that I wasn't doing as much "damage control" and would have gotten a clue. Nope. In late July, we went for a little vacation ... our daughter's first vacation ever ... our first as a couple. Yes, in nearly 21 years together he never took me on vacation! (Unless you count a trip to Ohio for my dad's family reunion back in the early 90's. In that case, I guess we have been on one.) Megan was so excited. She had heard other kids talk about vacations and now it was finally her turn! We went to a great campground by the Chesapeake Bay. I camped there as a pre-teen with a friend and fell in love with the place. Sonny and I camped there in the early years of our marriage, having fun taking weekend trips to the shore. It is a place that holds memories for me and I was glad that Megan could enjoy it and grow up with fun Chesapeake Bay camping memories. However, considering the recent circumstances, and his lack of effort at making things better, I was in no way looking forward to being cooped up in a car with him for 5 hours. But, I made the best of it for Meg. Needless to say, I brought lots of reading material! His excuses for not making an effort to fix things ran the gamut from "I'm working a lot" to "I'm stressed out because of work" to "I'm tired" to "I don't have time". Assuming those were valid excuses, a person would think that on vacation, (where he can rest, doesn't have to work, isn't stressed out about his job and his crappy production manager, and has nothing but time), he would finally make great strides (or at least baby steps) towards showing me he wanted to fix things. Nope. Not even almost. We stayed 3 nights. He had 3 chances to hold my hand, walk out on the pier, sit together and watch the sunset on the bay. It would have taken a half hour max, cost nothing, and required little effort. On our last night there, I went out on the pier by myself, watched the sunset on the bay alone, and cried.
Becoming A Stranger
That was the beginning of the end. That's when I stopped making all the effort. For a short while, we just went through the motions. Then began the rapid decline of our marriage. Now, we are like roommates. Two strangers living in the same house. We barely speak, he goes out of his way to avoid contact, he acts like he never knew me. I am amazed at how two people can live together for nearly 21 years, sharing life together for so long, and so quickly be reduced to acting like strangers. One day recently, I was at the kitchen counter and he stood in the middle of the kitchen and waited for me to leave the counter just so he wouldn't have to stand next to me. That hurts. I can't even begin to express how deeply that cuts. This is what I get for trying to be a good wife. This is what I get for over 20 years of always helping him solve his problems, for being his secretary conducting practically all the business, for having a hot home-cooked meal on the table almost every night, for having his lunch packed almost every day, for sticking by him through thick and thin, for bearing him a child. My reward for it all? I am a stranger.
I have always been aware at what a relationship becomes when only one person puts forth any real effort to make it work. The majority of our marriage has been just that ... me putting forth most of the effort, and him usually just getting by. Whenever a problem arose, I made the effort to fix it. I am The Fixer. The Mender. The Smoother-Over. I stepped up and fixed it and we moved on. I realize now how stupid that was. (Lately, I seem to be realizing how stupid a lot of things were ... see Hindsight is 20/20 post.) Maybe I was always "the fixer" because I was afraid he wouldn't do it. In that case, I should have pulled my head out of the sand (or pulled it out of wherever it was at the time) and let that be a huge clue. Maybe I was the fixer because I was aware of how completely emotionally inept he is and felt that he couldn't do it. I think both points have been proven true over the past several months.
Opening My Eyes
What surprises me, though, is how quickly the relationship deteriorates when nobody makes an effort. You so often hear couples say how they were just getting by, going through the daily routine but not really making an effort, for great lengths of time before they got a divorce. That hasn't proven true in my case. As I said, when this came to light, I was willing to forgive his affair, giving that he no longer saw her or communicated with her in any way and that he made an effort to repair the damage. In June, I proved that I was willing to put it all behind us by putting forth effort to smooth things over, doing little things daily to hold out an olive branch. I waited. And waited. "He may need more time to get over it, " a relative told me. "Just give him time." So I gave him time. I waited some more. All summer long, I waited for him to make some sort of effort. Any sort of ass-kissing gesture would have been nice. But nothing. I got nothing. Not a serious conversation about why he did it, 'fessing up to all the lies, saying how sorry he was. No effort to get closer, spend more time together, repair and renew the relationship he damaged. Not even a cheap piece of jewelry. After June and then half of July came and went, I began to grow weary of making even a minimal effort to fix what he had broken. You would think that he would have noticed the fact that I wasn't doing as much "damage control" and would have gotten a clue. Nope. In late July, we went for a little vacation ... our daughter's first vacation ever ... our first as a couple. Yes, in nearly 21 years together he never took me on vacation! (Unless you count a trip to Ohio for my dad's family reunion back in the early 90's. In that case, I guess we have been on one.) Megan was so excited. She had heard other kids talk about vacations and now it was finally her turn! We went to a great campground by the Chesapeake Bay. I camped there as a pre-teen with a friend and fell in love with the place. Sonny and I camped there in the early years of our marriage, having fun taking weekend trips to the shore. It is a place that holds memories for me and I was glad that Megan could enjoy it and grow up with fun Chesapeake Bay camping memories. However, considering the recent circumstances, and his lack of effort at making things better, I was in no way looking forward to being cooped up in a car with him for 5 hours. But, I made the best of it for Meg. Needless to say, I brought lots of reading material! His excuses for not making an effort to fix things ran the gamut from "I'm working a lot" to "I'm stressed out because of work" to "I'm tired" to "I don't have time". Assuming those were valid excuses, a person would think that on vacation, (where he can rest, doesn't have to work, isn't stressed out about his job and his crappy production manager, and has nothing but time), he would finally make great strides (or at least baby steps) towards showing me he wanted to fix things. Nope. Not even almost. We stayed 3 nights. He had 3 chances to hold my hand, walk out on the pier, sit together and watch the sunset on the bay. It would have taken a half hour max, cost nothing, and required little effort. On our last night there, I went out on the pier by myself, watched the sunset on the bay alone, and cried.
Becoming A Stranger
That was the beginning of the end. That's when I stopped making all the effort. For a short while, we just went through the motions. Then began the rapid decline of our marriage. Now, we are like roommates. Two strangers living in the same house. We barely speak, he goes out of his way to avoid contact, he acts like he never knew me. I am amazed at how two people can live together for nearly 21 years, sharing life together for so long, and so quickly be reduced to acting like strangers. One day recently, I was at the kitchen counter and he stood in the middle of the kitchen and waited for me to leave the counter just so he wouldn't have to stand next to me. That hurts. I can't even begin to express how deeply that cuts. This is what I get for trying to be a good wife. This is what I get for over 20 years of always helping him solve his problems, for being his secretary conducting practically all the business, for having a hot home-cooked meal on the table almost every night, for having his lunch packed almost every day, for sticking by him through thick and thin, for bearing him a child. My reward for it all? I am a stranger.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Hindsight is 20/20
My life in a nutshell? Ya got a really big nut? LOL
Where I Was
I was born and raised in Maryland, about halfway between Baltimore and DC. About 7 months after I graduated high school I met, and a year later married, my husband. I was like so many short-sighted young girls who fall in love and think he's the only person who will ever come along. Nearly 21 years later, I am thinking that I probably should have evaluated the situation a little more before jumping in. (Um, ok, so I'm a reeeaaally slow learner!) Back then I just wanted to get away from home. Now I'm 39 and I would give anything to be able to go back. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. Now, as our marriage sits on the brink of divorce and my life is at a crossroads, I am faced with lots of regret, if-only, and why-the-hell-did-I? (or didn't-I? as the case may be). As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
Where I am
My world has been recently shaken to the core by my husband's unfortunate decision to have an affair. I can't begin to put into words exactly how devastating an affair (even an "emotional" affair) can be. It is an emotional tornado that destroys everything in its path. My heart was (and still is) broken. The lies, deception, and betrayal have wreaked havoc on our marriage. It has been 5 months since this came to light. He claims it is over (don't they all?), yet he has been unwilling to put any effort into repairing the damage he caused. This has been my "sticking point", the impetus to cause me to ask for a divorce. The fact that he thinks I'm not worth the effort just adds salt to the wound. I have decided that the only thing more stupid than giving almost 21 years of my life to a man who doesn't think I'm worth it, would be giving him 22. I strongly felt that it was necessary to do something that differentiates me from a doormat. Therefore, I decided that 5 months was long enough for him to make an effort to fix things. I realize that sometimes people need much longer to come to terms with their wrongs. However, I'm pushin' 40 and can no longer wait forever for someone to get their shit together. At some point, a person has to draw a line in the sand and say enough's enough. I regret not drawing that line much sooner! But, then again, hindsight is 20/20.
Just Us Girls
My main focus is on protecting our daughter from as much heartache as possible. I reiterate to her that "we both love you", "everything will be fine", "we girls need to stick together" and all the other divorce propaganda parents shove down their kids' throats. Inside, though, I know that no matter what I say she will not come through this entirely unscathed. I cringe at the thought of her being herded into the SUV like a sheep and dropped off on Friday or Saturday, then picked up on Sunday, with hardly a word spoken between two parents that used to love each other, two parents who used to be her whole world. Knowing that my daughter will lose the secure, happy life she is accustomed to hurts most of all.
A Message To The Other Woman
As for you Other Woman. Tara. Tara who is also married and has two boys. Thanks for flirting with, and starting a relationship with, a married man. Thanks for destroying a 19-year marriage, an almost 21-year relationship. You sucked him in by playing the my-husband-is-mean-to-me card. How pathetic! Perhaps your husband is mean to you because he knows you cheat on him. Perhaps if you spent time focusing on your husband instead of on mine, your marriage wouldn't be in trouble and you wouldn't have to run to other men for comfort. Well, congratulations bitch! You have won a grand prize ... a man who cheats on his wife. He is equally lucky to have you ... a woman who cheats on her husband. Best of luck to you both. I'm sure trust will be easy to come by in your relationship! I, on the other hand, have our smart, beautiful, daughter, which is truly a prize to be envied. As it turns out, I'm not the one who got the short end of the stick after all!
20/20
So that's where I am. At the beginning of this relationship, I was a teenage girl who should have thought things through. Now I am a middle-aged woman who still has plenty to think through. A woman who has learned that hindsight is 20/20.
Where I Was
I was born and raised in Maryland, about halfway between Baltimore and DC. About 7 months after I graduated high school I met, and a year later married, my husband. I was like so many short-sighted young girls who fall in love and think he's the only person who will ever come along. Nearly 21 years later, I am thinking that I probably should have evaluated the situation a little more before jumping in. (Um, ok, so I'm a reeeaaally slow learner!) Back then I just wanted to get away from home. Now I'm 39 and I would give anything to be able to go back. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. Now, as our marriage sits on the brink of divorce and my life is at a crossroads, I am faced with lots of regret, if-only, and why-the-hell-did-I? (or didn't-I? as the case may be). As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
Where I am
My world has been recently shaken to the core by my husband's unfortunate decision to have an affair. I can't begin to put into words exactly how devastating an affair (even an "emotional" affair) can be. It is an emotional tornado that destroys everything in its path. My heart was (and still is) broken. The lies, deception, and betrayal have wreaked havoc on our marriage. It has been 5 months since this came to light. He claims it is over (don't they all?), yet he has been unwilling to put any effort into repairing the damage he caused. This has been my "sticking point", the impetus to cause me to ask for a divorce. The fact that he thinks I'm not worth the effort just adds salt to the wound. I have decided that the only thing more stupid than giving almost 21 years of my life to a man who doesn't think I'm worth it, would be giving him 22. I strongly felt that it was necessary to do something that differentiates me from a doormat. Therefore, I decided that 5 months was long enough for him to make an effort to fix things. I realize that sometimes people need much longer to come to terms with their wrongs. However, I'm pushin' 40 and can no longer wait forever for someone to get their shit together. At some point, a person has to draw a line in the sand and say enough's enough. I regret not drawing that line much sooner! But, then again, hindsight is 20/20.
Just Us Girls
My main focus is on protecting our daughter from as much heartache as possible. I reiterate to her that "we both love you", "everything will be fine", "we girls need to stick together" and all the other divorce propaganda parents shove down their kids' throats. Inside, though, I know that no matter what I say she will not come through this entirely unscathed. I cringe at the thought of her being herded into the SUV like a sheep and dropped off on Friday or Saturday, then picked up on Sunday, with hardly a word spoken between two parents that used to love each other, two parents who used to be her whole world. Knowing that my daughter will lose the secure, happy life she is accustomed to hurts most of all.
A Message To The Other Woman
As for you Other Woman. Tara. Tara who is also married and has two boys. Thanks for flirting with, and starting a relationship with, a married man. Thanks for destroying a 19-year marriage, an almost 21-year relationship. You sucked him in by playing the my-husband-is-mean-to-me card. How pathetic! Perhaps your husband is mean to you because he knows you cheat on him. Perhaps if you spent time focusing on your husband instead of on mine, your marriage wouldn't be in trouble and you wouldn't have to run to other men for comfort. Well, congratulations bitch! You have won a grand prize ... a man who cheats on his wife. He is equally lucky to have you ... a woman who cheats on her husband. Best of luck to you both. I'm sure trust will be easy to come by in your relationship! I, on the other hand, have our smart, beautiful, daughter, which is truly a prize to be envied. As it turns out, I'm not the one who got the short end of the stick after all!
20/20
So that's where I am. At the beginning of this relationship, I was a teenage girl who should have thought things through. Now I am a middle-aged woman who still has plenty to think through. A woman who has learned that hindsight is 20/20.
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