Hindsight is 20/20

My life in a nutshell? Ya got a really big nut?  LOL

Where I Was

I was born and raised in Maryland, about halfway between Baltimore and DC.  About 7 months after I graduated high school I met, and a year later married, my husband.  I was like so many short-sighted young girls who fall in love and think he's the only person who will ever come along.  Nearly 21 years later, I am thinking that I probably should have evaluated the situation a little more before jumping in.  (Um, ok, so I'm a reeeaaally slow learner!)  Back then I just wanted to get away from home.  Now I'm 39 and I would give anything to be able to go back.  Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least.  Now, as our marriage sits on the brink of divorce and my life is at a crossroads, I am faced with lots of regret, if-only, and why-the-hell-did-I? (or didn't-I? as the case may be). As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.

Where I am

My world has been recently shaken to the core by my husband's unfortunate decision to have an affair.  I can't begin to put into words exactly how devastating an affair (even an "emotional" affair) can be.  It is an emotional tornado that destroys everything in its path.  My heart was (and still is) broken.  The lies, deception, and betrayal have wreaked havoc on our marriage.  It has been 5 months since this came to light. He claims it is over (don't they all?), yet he has been unwilling to put any effort into repairing the damage he caused.  This  has been my "sticking point", the impetus to cause me to ask for a divorce.  The fact that he thinks I'm not worth the effort just adds salt to the wound.  I have decided that the only thing more stupid than giving almost 21 years of my life to a man who doesn't think I'm worth it, would be giving him 22.  I strongly felt that it was necessary to do something that differentiates me from a doormat.  Therefore, I decided that 5 months was long enough for him to make an effort to fix things.  I realize that sometimes people need much longer to come to terms with their wrongs.  However, I'm pushin' 40 and can no longer wait forever for someone to get their shit together.  At some point, a person has to draw a line in the sand and say enough's enough.  I regret not drawing that line much sooner!  But, then again, hindsight is 20/20.

Just Us Girls

My main focus is on protecting our daughter from as much heartache as possible.  I reiterate to her that "we both love you", "everything will be fine", "we girls need to stick together" and all the other divorce propaganda parents shove down their kids' throats.  Inside, though, I know that no matter what I say she will not come through this entirely unscathed.  I cringe at the thought of her being herded into the SUV like a sheep and dropped off on Friday or Saturday, then picked up on Sunday, with hardly a word spoken between two parents that used to love each other, two parents who used to be her whole world.  Knowing that my daughter will lose the secure, happy life she is accustomed to hurts most of all.

A Message To The Other Woman

As for you Other Woman.  Tara.  Tara who is also married and has two boys.  Thanks for flirting with, and starting a relationship with, a married man.  Thanks for destroying a 19-year marriage, an almost 21-year relationship.  You sucked him in by playing the my-husband-is-mean-to-me card.  How pathetic!  Perhaps your husband is mean to you because he knows you cheat on him.  Perhaps if you spent time focusing on your husband instead of on mine, your marriage wouldn't be in trouble and you wouldn't have to run to other men for comfort.  Well, congratulations bitch!  You have won a grand prize ... a man who cheats on his wife.  He is equally lucky to have you ... a woman who cheats on her husband.  Best of luck to you both.  I'm sure trust will be easy to come by in your relationship!  I, on the other hand, have our smart, beautiful, daughter, which is truly a prize to be envied.  As it turns out, I'm not the one who got the short end of the stick after all!

20/20

So that's where I am.  At the beginning of this relationship, I was a teenage girl who should have thought things through.  Now I am a middle-aged woman who still has plenty to think through.  A woman who has learned that hindsight is 20/20.