Thank God It's Thursday! Since I only work 4 days a week, Thursday is my Friday. I am looking forward to the weekend. Today's rain is supposed to give way to nicer days tomorrow and Saturday. Our town has a beautiful paved walking path that winds alongside the Hawksbill Creek called the Greenway. It is one of our communities nicest assets. Megan and I will probably take advantage of the nicer weather by going there Friday or Saturday (or both). Walking along the path, listening to the creek babbling in some places, rushing over rocks in others, saying hello to other folks passing by, hearing the songs of birds, and seeing fish jump out of the water is a peaceful experience, and makes exercise seem practically effortless. Such a great way to enjoy the limited warm weather we have left this year. We live in the Shenandoah Valley region of Virginia, so we have 4 seasons. It is mid-November now. The crisp, cool, sunny days of autumn will soon step aside, allowing winter to take its place. It won't be long before cold creeps over the mountains and settles down into the valley for a few months. When it gets way down in the fall, we have to take advantage of every nice day that comes along. So, when the weatherman says it will be sunny and 61, we try to squeeze every drop out of it that we can!
Since Megan finally learned to ride without training wheels this summer, she and her bike can't be separated. So, we love to load her bike in the back of the SUV, grab some stale bread or crackers to feed the ducks, and head to the Greenway. I can remember when she was wobbly, even with training wheels. Now, she is steady and confident, peddling as fast as her little legs will go, burning up the path! Time flies as fast as Megan and her little bike.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Hey Stranger!
Carrying The Weight
I have always been aware at what a relationship becomes when only one person puts forth any real effort to make it work. The majority of our marriage has been just that ... me putting forth most of the effort, and him usually just getting by. Whenever a problem arose, I made the effort to fix it. I am The Fixer. The Mender. The Smoother-Over. I stepped up and fixed it and we moved on. I realize now how stupid that was. (Lately, I seem to be realizing how stupid a lot of things were ... see Hindsight is 20/20 post.) Maybe I was always "the fixer" because I was afraid he wouldn't do it. In that case, I should have pulled my head out of the sand (or pulled it out of wherever it was at the time) and let that be a huge clue. Maybe I was the fixer because I was aware of how completely emotionally inept he is and felt that he couldn't do it. I think both points have been proven true over the past several months.
Opening My Eyes
What surprises me, though, is how quickly the relationship deteriorates when nobody makes an effort. You so often hear couples say how they were just getting by, going through the daily routine but not really making an effort, for great lengths of time before they got a divorce. That hasn't proven true in my case. As I said, when this came to light, I was willing to forgive his affair, giving that he no longer saw her or communicated with her in any way and that he made an effort to repair the damage. In June, I proved that I was willing to put it all behind us by putting forth effort to smooth things over, doing little things daily to hold out an olive branch. I waited. And waited. "He may need more time to get over it, " a relative told me. "Just give him time." So I gave him time. I waited some more. All summer long, I waited for him to make some sort of effort. Any sort of ass-kissing gesture would have been nice. But nothing. I got nothing. Not a serious conversation about why he did it, 'fessing up to all the lies, saying how sorry he was. No effort to get closer, spend more time together, repair and renew the relationship he damaged. Not even a cheap piece of jewelry. After June and then half of July came and went, I began to grow weary of making even a minimal effort to fix what he had broken. You would think that he would have noticed the fact that I wasn't doing as much "damage control" and would have gotten a clue. Nope. In late July, we went for a little vacation ... our daughter's first vacation ever ... our first as a couple. Yes, in nearly 21 years together he never took me on vacation! (Unless you count a trip to Ohio for my dad's family reunion back in the early 90's. In that case, I guess we have been on one.) Megan was so excited. She had heard other kids talk about vacations and now it was finally her turn! We went to a great campground by the Chesapeake Bay. I camped there as a pre-teen with a friend and fell in love with the place. Sonny and I camped there in the early years of our marriage, having fun taking weekend trips to the shore. It is a place that holds memories for me and I was glad that Megan could enjoy it and grow up with fun Chesapeake Bay camping memories. However, considering the recent circumstances, and his lack of effort at making things better, I was in no way looking forward to being cooped up in a car with him for 5 hours. But, I made the best of it for Meg. Needless to say, I brought lots of reading material! His excuses for not making an effort to fix things ran the gamut from "I'm working a lot" to "I'm stressed out because of work" to "I'm tired" to "I don't have time". Assuming those were valid excuses, a person would think that on vacation, (where he can rest, doesn't have to work, isn't stressed out about his job and his crappy production manager, and has nothing but time), he would finally make great strides (or at least baby steps) towards showing me he wanted to fix things. Nope. Not even almost. We stayed 3 nights. He had 3 chances to hold my hand, walk out on the pier, sit together and watch the sunset on the bay. It would have taken a half hour max, cost nothing, and required little effort. On our last night there, I went out on the pier by myself, watched the sunset on the bay alone, and cried.
Becoming A Stranger
That was the beginning of the end. That's when I stopped making all the effort. For a short while, we just went through the motions. Then began the rapid decline of our marriage. Now, we are like roommates. Two strangers living in the same house. We barely speak, he goes out of his way to avoid contact, he acts like he never knew me. I am amazed at how two people can live together for nearly 21 years, sharing life together for so long, and so quickly be reduced to acting like strangers. One day recently, I was at the kitchen counter and he stood in the middle of the kitchen and waited for me to leave the counter just so he wouldn't have to stand next to me. That hurts. I can't even begin to express how deeply that cuts. This is what I get for trying to be a good wife. This is what I get for over 20 years of always helping him solve his problems, for being his secretary conducting practically all the business, for having a hot home-cooked meal on the table almost every night, for having his lunch packed almost every day, for sticking by him through thick and thin, for bearing him a child. My reward for it all? I am a stranger.
I have always been aware at what a relationship becomes when only one person puts forth any real effort to make it work. The majority of our marriage has been just that ... me putting forth most of the effort, and him usually just getting by. Whenever a problem arose, I made the effort to fix it. I am The Fixer. The Mender. The Smoother-Over. I stepped up and fixed it and we moved on. I realize now how stupid that was. (Lately, I seem to be realizing how stupid a lot of things were ... see Hindsight is 20/20 post.) Maybe I was always "the fixer" because I was afraid he wouldn't do it. In that case, I should have pulled my head out of the sand (or pulled it out of wherever it was at the time) and let that be a huge clue. Maybe I was the fixer because I was aware of how completely emotionally inept he is and felt that he couldn't do it. I think both points have been proven true over the past several months.
Opening My Eyes
What surprises me, though, is how quickly the relationship deteriorates when nobody makes an effort. You so often hear couples say how they were just getting by, going through the daily routine but not really making an effort, for great lengths of time before they got a divorce. That hasn't proven true in my case. As I said, when this came to light, I was willing to forgive his affair, giving that he no longer saw her or communicated with her in any way and that he made an effort to repair the damage. In June, I proved that I was willing to put it all behind us by putting forth effort to smooth things over, doing little things daily to hold out an olive branch. I waited. And waited. "He may need more time to get over it, " a relative told me. "Just give him time." So I gave him time. I waited some more. All summer long, I waited for him to make some sort of effort. Any sort of ass-kissing gesture would have been nice. But nothing. I got nothing. Not a serious conversation about why he did it, 'fessing up to all the lies, saying how sorry he was. No effort to get closer, spend more time together, repair and renew the relationship he damaged. Not even a cheap piece of jewelry. After June and then half of July came and went, I began to grow weary of making even a minimal effort to fix what he had broken. You would think that he would have noticed the fact that I wasn't doing as much "damage control" and would have gotten a clue. Nope. In late July, we went for a little vacation ... our daughter's first vacation ever ... our first as a couple. Yes, in nearly 21 years together he never took me on vacation! (Unless you count a trip to Ohio for my dad's family reunion back in the early 90's. In that case, I guess we have been on one.) Megan was so excited. She had heard other kids talk about vacations and now it was finally her turn! We went to a great campground by the Chesapeake Bay. I camped there as a pre-teen with a friend and fell in love with the place. Sonny and I camped there in the early years of our marriage, having fun taking weekend trips to the shore. It is a place that holds memories for me and I was glad that Megan could enjoy it and grow up with fun Chesapeake Bay camping memories. However, considering the recent circumstances, and his lack of effort at making things better, I was in no way looking forward to being cooped up in a car with him for 5 hours. But, I made the best of it for Meg. Needless to say, I brought lots of reading material! His excuses for not making an effort to fix things ran the gamut from "I'm working a lot" to "I'm stressed out because of work" to "I'm tired" to "I don't have time". Assuming those were valid excuses, a person would think that on vacation, (where he can rest, doesn't have to work, isn't stressed out about his job and his crappy production manager, and has nothing but time), he would finally make great strides (or at least baby steps) towards showing me he wanted to fix things. Nope. Not even almost. We stayed 3 nights. He had 3 chances to hold my hand, walk out on the pier, sit together and watch the sunset on the bay. It would have taken a half hour max, cost nothing, and required little effort. On our last night there, I went out on the pier by myself, watched the sunset on the bay alone, and cried.
Becoming A Stranger
That was the beginning of the end. That's when I stopped making all the effort. For a short while, we just went through the motions. Then began the rapid decline of our marriage. Now, we are like roommates. Two strangers living in the same house. We barely speak, he goes out of his way to avoid contact, he acts like he never knew me. I am amazed at how two people can live together for nearly 21 years, sharing life together for so long, and so quickly be reduced to acting like strangers. One day recently, I was at the kitchen counter and he stood in the middle of the kitchen and waited for me to leave the counter just so he wouldn't have to stand next to me. That hurts. I can't even begin to express how deeply that cuts. This is what I get for trying to be a good wife. This is what I get for over 20 years of always helping him solve his problems, for being his secretary conducting practically all the business, for having a hot home-cooked meal on the table almost every night, for having his lunch packed almost every day, for sticking by him through thick and thin, for bearing him a child. My reward for it all? I am a stranger.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Hindsight is 20/20
My life in a nutshell? Ya got a really big nut? LOL
Where I Was
I was born and raised in Maryland, about halfway between Baltimore and DC. About 7 months after I graduated high school I met, and a year later married, my husband. I was like so many short-sighted young girls who fall in love and think he's the only person who will ever come along. Nearly 21 years later, I am thinking that I probably should have evaluated the situation a little more before jumping in. (Um, ok, so I'm a reeeaaally slow learner!) Back then I just wanted to get away from home. Now I'm 39 and I would give anything to be able to go back. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. Now, as our marriage sits on the brink of divorce and my life is at a crossroads, I am faced with lots of regret, if-only, and why-the-hell-did-I? (or didn't-I? as the case may be). As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
Where I am
My world has been recently shaken to the core by my husband's unfortunate decision to have an affair. I can't begin to put into words exactly how devastating an affair (even an "emotional" affair) can be. It is an emotional tornado that destroys everything in its path. My heart was (and still is) broken. The lies, deception, and betrayal have wreaked havoc on our marriage. It has been 5 months since this came to light. He claims it is over (don't they all?), yet he has been unwilling to put any effort into repairing the damage he caused. This has been my "sticking point", the impetus to cause me to ask for a divorce. The fact that he thinks I'm not worth the effort just adds salt to the wound. I have decided that the only thing more stupid than giving almost 21 years of my life to a man who doesn't think I'm worth it, would be giving him 22. I strongly felt that it was necessary to do something that differentiates me from a doormat. Therefore, I decided that 5 months was long enough for him to make an effort to fix things. I realize that sometimes people need much longer to come to terms with their wrongs. However, I'm pushin' 40 and can no longer wait forever for someone to get their shit together. At some point, a person has to draw a line in the sand and say enough's enough. I regret not drawing that line much sooner! But, then again, hindsight is 20/20.
Just Us Girls
My main focus is on protecting our daughter from as much heartache as possible. I reiterate to her that "we both love you", "everything will be fine", "we girls need to stick together" and all the other divorce propaganda parents shove down their kids' throats. Inside, though, I know that no matter what I say she will not come through this entirely unscathed. I cringe at the thought of her being herded into the SUV like a sheep and dropped off on Friday or Saturday, then picked up on Sunday, with hardly a word spoken between two parents that used to love each other, two parents who used to be her whole world. Knowing that my daughter will lose the secure, happy life she is accustomed to hurts most of all.
A Message To The Other Woman
As for you Other Woman. Tara. Tara who is also married and has two boys. Thanks for flirting with, and starting a relationship with, a married man. Thanks for destroying a 19-year marriage, an almost 21-year relationship. You sucked him in by playing the my-husband-is-mean-to-me card. How pathetic! Perhaps your husband is mean to you because he knows you cheat on him. Perhaps if you spent time focusing on your husband instead of on mine, your marriage wouldn't be in trouble and you wouldn't have to run to other men for comfort. Well, congratulations bitch! You have won a grand prize ... a man who cheats on his wife. He is equally lucky to have you ... a woman who cheats on her husband. Best of luck to you both. I'm sure trust will be easy to come by in your relationship! I, on the other hand, have our smart, beautiful, daughter, which is truly a prize to be envied. As it turns out, I'm not the one who got the short end of the stick after all!
20/20
So that's where I am. At the beginning of this relationship, I was a teenage girl who should have thought things through. Now I am a middle-aged woman who still has plenty to think through. A woman who has learned that hindsight is 20/20.
Where I Was
I was born and raised in Maryland, about halfway between Baltimore and DC. About 7 months after I graduated high school I met, and a year later married, my husband. I was like so many short-sighted young girls who fall in love and think he's the only person who will ever come along. Nearly 21 years later, I am thinking that I probably should have evaluated the situation a little more before jumping in. (Um, ok, so I'm a reeeaaally slow learner!) Back then I just wanted to get away from home. Now I'm 39 and I would give anything to be able to go back. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. Now, as our marriage sits on the brink of divorce and my life is at a crossroads, I am faced with lots of regret, if-only, and why-the-hell-did-I? (or didn't-I? as the case may be). As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
Where I am
My world has been recently shaken to the core by my husband's unfortunate decision to have an affair. I can't begin to put into words exactly how devastating an affair (even an "emotional" affair) can be. It is an emotional tornado that destroys everything in its path. My heart was (and still is) broken. The lies, deception, and betrayal have wreaked havoc on our marriage. It has been 5 months since this came to light. He claims it is over (don't they all?), yet he has been unwilling to put any effort into repairing the damage he caused. This has been my "sticking point", the impetus to cause me to ask for a divorce. The fact that he thinks I'm not worth the effort just adds salt to the wound. I have decided that the only thing more stupid than giving almost 21 years of my life to a man who doesn't think I'm worth it, would be giving him 22. I strongly felt that it was necessary to do something that differentiates me from a doormat. Therefore, I decided that 5 months was long enough for him to make an effort to fix things. I realize that sometimes people need much longer to come to terms with their wrongs. However, I'm pushin' 40 and can no longer wait forever for someone to get their shit together. At some point, a person has to draw a line in the sand and say enough's enough. I regret not drawing that line much sooner! But, then again, hindsight is 20/20.
Just Us Girls
My main focus is on protecting our daughter from as much heartache as possible. I reiterate to her that "we both love you", "everything will be fine", "we girls need to stick together" and all the other divorce propaganda parents shove down their kids' throats. Inside, though, I know that no matter what I say she will not come through this entirely unscathed. I cringe at the thought of her being herded into the SUV like a sheep and dropped off on Friday or Saturday, then picked up on Sunday, with hardly a word spoken between two parents that used to love each other, two parents who used to be her whole world. Knowing that my daughter will lose the secure, happy life she is accustomed to hurts most of all.
A Message To The Other Woman
As for you Other Woman. Tara. Tara who is also married and has two boys. Thanks for flirting with, and starting a relationship with, a married man. Thanks for destroying a 19-year marriage, an almost 21-year relationship. You sucked him in by playing the my-husband-is-mean-to-me card. How pathetic! Perhaps your husband is mean to you because he knows you cheat on him. Perhaps if you spent time focusing on your husband instead of on mine, your marriage wouldn't be in trouble and you wouldn't have to run to other men for comfort. Well, congratulations bitch! You have won a grand prize ... a man who cheats on his wife. He is equally lucky to have you ... a woman who cheats on her husband. Best of luck to you both. I'm sure trust will be easy to come by in your relationship! I, on the other hand, have our smart, beautiful, daughter, which is truly a prize to be envied. As it turns out, I'm not the one who got the short end of the stick after all!
20/20
So that's where I am. At the beginning of this relationship, I was a teenage girl who should have thought things through. Now I am a middle-aged woman who still has plenty to think through. A woman who has learned that hindsight is 20/20.
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